


Talking to the Moon

by kaleleafs



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain Marvel (2019), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, BAMF Carol Danvers, BAMF Tony Stark, Canonical Character Death, Carol Danvers & Tony Stark Friendship, Civil War Team Iron Man, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Tony Stark, Minor Carol Danvers/James "Rhodey" Rhodes, Multi, Not Steve Rogers Friendly, Steve/Tony if you squint, Tony Stark Deserves Better, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony-centric, carol danvers is a good friend, i’m still learning how to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-27 16:00:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20410453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaleleafs/pseuds/kaleleafs
Summary: at night when the starts light up my room // i sit by myself talking to the moon, trying to get to you // in hopes you're on the other side talking to me too // oh, am i a fool who sits alone talking to the moon?





	Talking to the Moon

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys, this is the first fic i’m posting on ao3 so stick with me! this is basically just a result of me fighting for my caroltony friendship rights and unresolved civil war/endgame angst!!

It's pure chance that allows them to meet for the first time. In nothing but jeans, a t-shirt and a pair of sunglasses, Tony looks all of his young 19 years of age, only two years removed from college and more than happy to watch his best friend try his hand at the air force. After all, Rhodey is 23 and has not only graduated from MIT, but completed the mandatory training that secured him a starting position with the weapons sector of the military.

Of course, they're none too happy with a kid walking around the base like he owns the place, but he's Howard Stark's Son™️ so they let it slide. Everyone always lets it slide.

So that's how Tony finds himself walking around the base, answering questions on tech when asked and generally being a pain in his friend's ass as necessary.

"Mark! Looking great today! Obie and Howard send their best, of course! Amber! Nice to see you back from maternity leave, how are the twins? Damn, Benjamin, you been hitting the gym, my man?" Tony grins at everyone who passes by until Rhodey tugs harshly on his arm and pulls him to the side.

"Tones, you need to cut it out!" He hisses under his breath but he has his 'Tony-Don't-Do-That' frown on instead of his 'Tony-You're-Fucked' frown so Tony takes it more as a suggestion and not a demand. "I'm still new here and I can't have you messing it up."

"Oh, come on, honeybear! They love me here! If anything, my extraordinarily handsome face and smooth talking has worked in your benefit..." Tony means to start one of his well-known rambles, but is cut off by a much louder voice and someone throwing a casual arm around Rhodey's shoulders.

"Well, look what we have here. Who's your friend, Jimmy?" The voice belongs to a tall blonde woman, no shorter than two inches in comparison to Tony himself.

She screams confidence, all smug smirks and glinting brown eyes. And the fact that when she places an arm around Rhodey's shoulders he immediately tenses up in the awkward way he does when he has a crush has Tony's genius mind whirling happily.

"Carol, this is Tony-"

"Tony, Tony Stark, his best friend," Tony smirks wickedly. "Rhodey, you didn't tell me you had a girlfriend!"

"Tony-"

"Girlfriend, hah! He wishes."

Tony likes her already.

"Great, do you see now why I was hoping the two of you never met? Is this what I've signed up for for the rest of my life?"

"What? You mean double the good looks-" 

"Double the wit-"

"Quadruple the sarcasm-"

"Yeah," Carol shrugs and throws an arm around Tony instead. "I'm really not seeing a problem here."

Tony spends a lot of time with Carol after that. In fact, whenever he visits the base and Rhodey inevitably gets pulled away to deal with business, he spends his afternoon watching Carol and her best friend Maria fly the planes. 

Tony thinks that he'd like to be able to fly someday.

Carol tells him that he should.

\- - - - - -

The next time they meet is six years later and Tony has seen more in that time than he'd ever care to. Carol has too. 25 years has never looked so dreary on two young adults.

"You look like shit."

And he does. He's still handsome in all of his 25 years, but even his bags have bags and not for the first time, Carol wonders how much she missed. Somehow, she doesn't think it's just her return that has him all shaken up.

"And you don't look a day over 25, which is around how old you were last time I saw you." Tony stands, stretches, and turns to look her in the eye. "You were dead, Danvers. They told us you were dead. I thought-" Tony chokes on the words, not crying but not all too far off either.

Carol wants to reach out to him, but doesn't know if it's welcome. After all, they were friends but were they ever that close? She's not sure she remembers and definitely doesn't want to ask.

"Where's Jim?"

At that, Tony straightens and scoffs, emotion disappearing from his face as though it was never even there. How many times had Yon-Rogg told her to hide her emotions just like that? The thought of it makes her sick. "Deported to Afghanistan or Iraq, maybe. They don't keep me in the loop."

"How is he?"

"You mean, does he know you're back? Probably. It's all anyone has been talking about, you know. They're calling you Captain Marvel, saying you can shoot photon blasts out of your fists."

"I can."

Tony smiles at that-- it's a worn down, much too tired smile, but still a genuine one at that. "Yeah. I never doubted that for a second."

"I'm not so sure what to do now." As though approaching a wounded animal, Carol walks closer to where Tony's staring out a glass window. The office is too big for someone his age, a perfectly tailored suit looking almost out of place compared to the old band tees she used to see him in. "You know, now that I'm a hero and all that."

"Please," he rolls his eyes half-heartedly. "You're the same person you've always been, just with a shiny, new title to go with it."

"And what about you, Tones?"

He shakes his head, deflecting, and answers a different question.

"I tried to look for you, you know. The government was having a field day trying to keep me out of it. Howard almost had a stroke."

"I wasn't authorized to take the plane up," Carol agrees. "They wanted to keep that kind of scandal a secret. Can't imagine they were thrilled about having a 19 year old genius looking into it."

"Rhodey wanted me to let it go. I think it killed him to even have hope," Tony shrugs as though he doesn't know, or at least doesn't care, that that fact hurts her as much as it does. "I would have found you, too. I'm sure of it."

"What aren't you telling me?"

"Howard's dead." Oh. Oh. "Maria.. Mom is, too. Drunk bastard roped his car into a tree on the way to one of their 'Don't Bring Tony With' vacations."

"Tony-"

"The company was on me then, taking over Stark Industries at 21." And now the exhaustion makes sense. She wonders when the last time he got any real sleep is. "And I'm sorry, Danvers, I'm sorry. I could've found you if I would have just kept looking-"

And she does hug him this time, rendering him silent aside from the not-so-subtle sobs coming from his chest. They stay like that for awhile, the two of them hugging and mourning everything they've lost in the last six years.

\- - - - - -

It's a long time until they see each other again. Rhodey's moved on, or at least pretends to, and Tony's much too tired to worry about ghosts from his past. He's 43 years old and he's not sure what more there is to hope for at this point.

He's not sure what he's expecting to find in his room when he gets back from the whole Obie ordeal. Nick Fury had already dismantled JARVIS-- something he'll have to fix tomorrow-- and he just wants to sleep for crying out loud.

"When you told me you wanted to fly, I didn't ever picture it to look like this."

The voice is a comfort in its familiarity, warm despite the firm tone and Tony ignores it as he falls down onto his bed.

"You know me, Ms. Marvel. Always a flare for the dramatics."

"True," she agrees, sitting on the edge of the California King without bothering to ask. "You always were talented in blowing things up."

And he supposes their friendship is a bit unorthodox in nature, two beings destined to explode in the end. It's dangerous and reckless, but Tony wouldn't have it any other way.

Tony moves to put his head in her lap, allowing her to run careful hands through greasy hair. It's funny, Tony thinks, that a woman who can shoot fire out of her hands has a gentler touch than the man he called his uncle ever did. It actually makes him laugh out loud.

"I'm guessing this manic laughter stems from that light coming from your heart?"

"Chest cavity, actually. They carved around my lungs to fit it in there."

"That's disgusting," Carol wrinkles her nose and pauses. "It's pretty. Like a star."

"You would know, you spend a lot of time up in the stars."

Tony wishes he could join her sometimes. Millions of miles of foreign planets and the comforting shining of stars, a much needed break from the confines of Earth.

"You're one to talk, a little birdie told me you tried to fly to space. Iced your suit, almost died."

"For the record, I wasn't trying to get to space I was conducting an experiment." Though Tony doesn't think that would've been the worst result ever. "I also don't think Fury would appreciate you calling him a bird. Or little."

"Fury can bite me." Her words pack no heat, however. Really, it's all fondness. "I wish you would be more careful, Tones. I feel like every time I come back here, your ass is always recovering from another mess."

He doesn't deny it, doesn't need to, because they both know she's right. And Carol would never call Tony himself a mess, despite how true the sentiment may be. So they sit there for awhile, as is a common theme when they come together after so many years apart.

Genuine human contact is so hard to come by for the both of them, sometimes he wonders how they survive this long without touching one another.

"I talk to you sometimes, you know?" And no, Carol doesn't know, but she lets Tony continue anyways. She knows better than to interrupt, he'll withdraw and not speak of it again. "I go outside on the balcony and talk to the stars, the moon, maybe, thinking that you might hear me or something."

"I'm not a god, Tony."

"No," he agrees. "But I don't believe in God. I believe in you."

\- - - - - -

They meet a few years later as Pepper paces outside his hospital room with a phone pressed to her ear trying to deal with the Accords council with Rhodey on Tony's behalf.

He's grown a bit tired of it all, the fighting, the whole hero ordeal. What he wouldn't give for a little bit of peace, some honesty maybe. They say heroes are noble, trustworthy, reliable, even. If that's true, than Tony has only ever known three heroes in his entire life and two of them are in this building with him.

The door opens with a hushed click, something that's been a constant in his short hours in the hospital bed. Probably someone coming to check on his freshly replaced arc reactor, or the stitches on his cheek and forehead. Oh, maybe they've finally come to tweeze the remaining metal from the armor out of his arms.

"I thought we agreed that you'd be more careful while I'm gone, sunshine."

Tony would like to retract his previous statement. It seems that all three of his heroes decided to make an appearance today. Tony really must have made a mess of things this time if Pepper and Rhodey weren't enough to stifle the damage.

"You talked, stellina. I pretended to listen."

"I would be surprised if that wasn't a reoccurring theme."

Everything and nothing hurts at the same time. On one hand, Tony is on the good stuff. Grade A morphine. Almost as effective as the time he took ecstasy in his junior year of college. Rhodey still never lets him live it down. 

On the other hand, his feelings are a mess. Every time he closes his eyes he sees a blur of red, white and blue coming down over his chest. Sometimes, he thinks it would have been better if he didn't make it out of the bunker at all.

"You're thinking too hard."

"Kind of par for the course when you're, I don't know, a genius."

She seems to consider this. Her blonde hair is shorter, cut in a way that definitely suits her if Tony does say so himself, but she doesn't look any older. Not for the first time, he wonders if she even ages.

"For a genius, you seem keen on getting involved in stupid situations."

"The Accords aren't stupid." He says because they're not, and he's much too tired to argue about it with yet another person he cares about. "They might be a little too ambitious, sure. Too in-your-face, but I'll amend them. They'll work."

"I know they will, that's why I signed them," she replies and, wow, would you look at that? When did she decide to sit in the plastic chair next to Tony's bed? 

"Carol, love of my life, my sun and moon, did you even read them?"

"Nope," she grins, all confidence and no fear despite the small worry lines creasing on her forehead. Surely Tony of all people couldn't have caused those lines. "But Rhodes signed them. You signed them. I don't need anymore information than that."

The blind faith she has in him is overwhelming, so far from how his own team regards— no, regraded— his opinions that Tony forces himself to swallow the lump in his throat. 

"And what about you?" He changes the subject because that's what Tony Stark does when he's faced with feelings. "We always talk about my life and never yours. Did you see Rhodey?"

She rolls her eyes even though it's all fond exasperation. Tony knows that look. Tony has worn that look. He'll have to high five Rhodey later, after he fits him with his new legs and begs for his forgiveness and all that.

"I saw James, yes."

"And?" Tony wiggles his eyebrows, unsure of where the sudden burst of energy has come from. "He looks good, huh? Our honeybear, always so handsome."

"Yeah, he looked damn fine yelling into that phone to defend your honor," and even though her tone is teasing Tony really doesn't think she's kidding about that. But he isn't surprised, Rhodey would jump at the chance to yell at people for him and Carol is the type of woman to admire that kind of ferocity. "If I were Captain America, I'd be scared of ever facing Rhodes."

And wow, ouch, yep. That's a name he isn't ready to hear yet. But deflection, now that he can do.

"Have you seen Maria? How is she?"

"She's well, and although she'd never admit it, the age difference bothers her a bit."

"What? Preposterous! She doesn't look a day over 30."

Tony wonders if eye-rolling is Carol's default facial feature.

"She says if you keep buying Monica stars on her birthday every year then sooner or later she'll own the entire universe."

How is Tony supposed to help it if he sees something in the young pilot who holds the world in her eyes and adventure in her heart? Tony remembers a time where he wanted nothing more than to reach the stars, to hold the secrets of the universe in his hands. Now, though. Now that's he's seen what space has to offer, what's really on the other side of those wormholes, now Tony's dreams are more nightmares than fantasies.

"Good. She'd make a better ruler than half of these imbeciles who try their hand at it. I've never seen the appeal in ruling the world, who would want to waste that much effort on people?"

People are unreliable. Most of them. Tony wishes he could stop wasting his effort on them.

"You know she's in her 30s, Tony. Not much younger than you." Carol smiles at him in that fond, loving way that she always seemed to hold for him. There's too much affection in that smile, it's dangerous.

Tony's addicted to it.

"Perhaps, but I've been told I have an old soul."

"By who? A fortune cookie? You don't act a day over 7."

"That's rude and inaccurate!"

"True," Pepper agrees as she walks into the room, a brave smile on her face despite the way her eyes are red-rimmed and cautious. "He never got through the stubborn teenager phase."

"You're right," Carol seems to ponder this while Tony pouts unceremoniously. "He's definitely 15."

"I'm feeling ganged up on here and I'm the one in the hospital bed! You should be nice to me, you have to be nice to me!"

But Tony doesn't much mind when Rhodey wheels himself in the room and they all sit around him like the dysfunctional family they've come to be. Tony might not have the Avengers anymore, but he has this. And it's enough, it has to be.

"Now that you're home, you want to tell me about what landed you in the hospital in the first place?"

Carol had broken him out of his hospital room turned jail cell and they've returned to the tower where they're slinging back beers and Jersey Shore is playing on the TV. It's comforting and familiar in a way that only family can be. Tony wishes more than anything that it could stay this way.

"I made some decisions. Watched a video that brought up some things and took it out on the wrong person."

"And you regret that." It's not a question, but Tony responds anyways.

"Yeah, I do."

Silence, but it's non-judgmental. Tony can't remember the last time someone regarded him without criticism or judgment.

"But?"

"But? What do you mean 'but?'"

"I'm sensing there's a but here." 

Carol's being painstakingly patient with him, regarding him with practiced ease that comes with years of knowing the territory. If it were anyone else, even Rhodey, Tony would probably play it off. But this is Carol-- Carol who has never lied to him, never makes him feel bad about the things he wants or feels, Carol who, even though she may not be here all the time, always seems to know.

"I mean, Ste- Rogers. Rogers hid the stuff in the video from me. Knew for years and didn't tell me."

"The Winter Soldier," she nods for him to continue and Tony wonders if he'll ever stop being surprised by this woman.

"You talked to Fury." It's a statement, not a question. Then, "I thought he was dead."

"No you didn't."

"No, I didn't," he parrots with a sigh, attempting to hide his relief at Fury, Fury of all people, being alive. He'll have to return to that thought later. "A man can dream, though."

"He misses you, too, Tones," she smiles, sips her beer and waves for him to continue.

"Yeah, I'll bet he does," Tony huffs, rolls his eyes, takes a breath and lays it all on the table. "He, Cap, Rogers, sent me a letter and a phone. Said if I ever needed him or the team, then they'd be here."

"Oh. That's shitty."

And it is, indeed, shitty.

"Yeah."

"Where is he?" Now there's the reaction Tony was expecting.

"I don't know, Carol. It's not like I keep tracking devices in my team's-- former team's-- equipment for emergency situations or anything. Even if I did, I wouldn't want to know where they are."

"Of course you know where they are," she responds confidently. "You always know. Or, at least, FRIDAY does."

"Maybe. Let me rephrase: I don't feel comfortable telling you."

"Why? I just want to talk to him."

"That's exactly what I'm afraid of. I have a feeling there'll be less talking and more photon-blasting."

"Fine. Are you going to call him then?"

"No."

"No?"

"He said we'd do it together and then turned his back on that whole idea. We- I- needed him and he wasn't there. I have nothing to say to him and I'm not sure I could hear anymore lies if I did."

"Good," Carol says and she must mean it because she sounds really, really pleased. "You don't need them, Tony."

"No," Tony sighs suddenly feeling the weight of the world falling back on his shoulders. It's a horribly familiar feeling. "I don't need him."

"But you want him."

Tony doesn't dignify that blatantly obvious fact with a response, instead opting to sit, drink and watch terrible television until Carol has to leave again.

\- - - - - -

They find each other again two years after that day in his hospital room and Tony finds himself hopelessly wondering if that was the last good day he ever had. Which, if he's being honest, is really setting the bar pretty low because he had just lost his team, had just lost Steve, and the burn of the shield in his chest was still lingering on his skin.

But this takes the cake on the list of Tony Stark's Worst Days, or even worst weeks. Space is as terrifying and empty as he remembers it and Tony, as far as he's concerned, would have been perfectly fine never seeing it again.

Somewhere along the line his dream of touching the stars died. He guesses it was around the time he had to grow up.

He almost misses the days where the only person he had to worry about was himself. Tony knows he takes horrible care of himself, always has, but that's just the thing— it's him. He can afford to be reckless, malnourished, sleep deprived, because it's his life. Tony Stark. And who would miss him anyways?

It was much easier when it was just him. In those days, there weren't stupid, young geniuses looking up to him to be a mentor. To be better. He didn't have to worry about bringing people home safe, or losing them in space, or just... losing them.

There was no Peter or Pepper or Rhodey or Steve or Carol when it was just Tony. He wonders if they're even still alive.

It could be worse though, maybe, probably. He has Nebula, the Thanos-worshipper turned prospective hero, and she's actually not the worse company he's ever had. He tries to keep her alive, because Tony Stark's default setting is keeping everyone alive, but he can see it's not working. He can never save everyone, he always seems to fail.

With that thought lingering in his mind on a constant loop, he lays on the cold floor of the ship and just... lays. Doesn't dream, doesn't hope, just breathes.

He wakes up to a bright light and he thinks, this is it, this is heaven, all I have to do is walk forward. But then he squints, shakes his head and remembers that heaven doesn't exist for people like him, that the light he's seeing is just Carol.

Carol.

She hangs in the sky in a blaze of glory surrounded by the sparkling stars and darkness. She's a beacon of light amongst the emptiness of space and this, Tony thinks, is how he's always seen her.

They don't say anything to one another and Carol wastes no time in grabbing hold of their makeshift spaceship and guiding them back to Earth. When the planet comes into eyesight, Tony knows that green and blue will forever be his new favorite colors.

"Tony," she huffs when they land, wrapping strong arms around his frail figure. "I thought you were dead."

"Yeah?" Tony manages a smirk because of course he does, he's Tony Stark. "Payback's a bitch, huh?"

Later, after he faces Steve and all he can think is he's alive, he's okay but all he can say is liar, liar, liar, Carol sits next to him and fills him in on everything he's missed.

"I don't know why you love space so much, stella." Tony admits later when it's dark and he can see the stars outside but now that he knows what they look like up close, it'll never be the same. 

"Sometimes the things that hurt us make us who we are," she shrugs almost carelessly. "It's like me saying I don't know why you love Iron Man so much."

He lets that sink in but it still doesn't sit right.

"We're going to have to fight," he says finally.

"I know."

"There's only one way to win."

"So you've told us."

"It has to be me." Because it does, it's the only way, Tony is sure of it.

"Get some sleep, sunshine. You can be reckless in the morning."

\- - - - - -

The last time they meet, it's in a blaze of glory and pure, unabashed chaos. In a sort of ironic, terrifying way, it really is beautiful.

This is what Tony envisioned for the Avengers all those years ago when Nick Fury came to recruit him; a team, larger than just himself, of individuals fighting together to better the world. It's a shame it took this long for it to happen, Tony would've loved to relish in it longer.

But this is the ending Tony never wanted but always knew he would have. And as he sees Steve wielding Mjolnir, Pepper and Rhodey taking to the skies, the kid working to protect the stones and Carol throwing punch after punch at Thanos, not even flinching when he head-buts her hard, Tony knows it could have never ended any other way.

Even though Tony was the man who had everything and nothing, couldn't ever figure out people no matter how hard he tried, he found something with these people fighting next to him. He owes them everything. 

He could never let them die.

It's as familiar as his own voice, the armor wrapping around his hand and wrist like a vice, the whir of the metal relaxing him despite his ever-racing heart. Tony can end it, can save them, and that's the only thing on his mind.

Snapping his fingers is as easy as breathing and he welcomes the pain like an old friend. Because Tony is afraid of a lot of things, yes, but dying has never been one of them. He's known all along what awaits him on the other side of that door, an end that was never going to be changed no matter how much good he tried to do in the world.

But he can see Peter and Pepper and Rhodey and Carol looking down at him and that's one hell of a thing to see when dying, Tony thinks, and takes it in for the last time.

\- - - - - -

The last time she sees him is in the faces of a dozen others.

She can see him, noticeably, on Pepper and Rhodey, in the airy, knowing smiles they carry on their lips even as tears fall from their eyes. 

She can see him in the kids— Peter and Harley— how young, bright, curious and excited they seem, even if the weight of grief tries to force it down. She remembers a certain young teenager, intelligent beyond his years, always carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

She sees him in the heartbroken blue of Steve's eyes, the pain of words left unsaid and promises never made. The aching feeling of a love lost, an opportunity missed.

She sees him in the rest of the Avengers, a member not easily replaced, a soul left underappreciated until much too late. 

She sees him in Nick and in herself and in all of the lives he touched in that grand, eccentric way that he did everything. She can feel him in the air, in the breeze, as easily as she could feel him all those times they laid next to one another. Because he gave them this, this world, this life, and it's only right that she feels him in it.

Most importantly, she seems him in the sky, in the sun and the stars. Because Tony Stark always wanted to fly, could fly way before he ever met her, and it's only right that now, even after he's gone, he's still lifting her up.

She supposes their friendship was a bit unorthodox in nature, two beings destined to explode in the end— like the sun and the moon, constantly needing each other but rarely getting to meet. Surely, their friendship was dangerous and reckless, but, in the end, Carol wouldn't have had it any other way.

And when she looks up to the sky with a smile on her lips, she knows that Tony wouldn't have either.


End file.
